She's a Locomotive in a Dress

Unlike Thing One, who was as tall as a five year-old the day he was born, it is becoming increasingly easier for others to guess Thing Two's age.


At the park, for instance, where she whacks more people than Sammy “The Bull” Gravano. And you can't see it coming. There is no build-up, no provocation, just that whackin' hand reaching out to whomever happens to be on her radar.


It goes a little like this: "I'm poopin' mama. NOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY POOOOOOOOOOP!" Then she puts the smack down on some unsuspecting little thing in a Mickey Mouse onesie.


Yesterday she took a little girl's sandals. Marched around the park shrieking, "MMMMMMMMY sanals!" Tried to smack the girl when I gave her her sandals back. The girl was, like, twelve.


The other day a little boy about her age was looking her way. I think he was about to propose when, out of nowhere, she clobbered him with her slotted spoon. Before I could get to her, she got another good whack in. Why don't these kids run?? I made her say sorry, and she did. She hugged him, whispered, "Sorry," and clocked him again. She's like the Black Widow, this one.


Today she and I went on a little date to Super Target. She sat buckled in the cart, with her chubby little legs dangling below her sweetest sundress, and maintained a ten-foot clearance between us and anyone who happened by. "NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO. Bat's MYYYY cart!!!!! Bat's not wour cart!!!!!" Little kids cowered. Big kids cowered. One grown man openly laughed every time he passed us.


This went on the entire time we were in Super Target, mind you. I'm not even exaggerating. At one point she was distracted by a bag of rice cakes I put in the cart. "I wanna rice cake, mama. Peas?" Just to teach her a lesson, I said no. Just to return the favor, she said, "I. want. ARICECAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Here comes laughing man again. "NO. Bat's MYYY cart! Bat's MYYY ricecake."


How am I responding to all of this, you ask? I'm not. I am doin' Paul Revere in my head.

Ridin' cross the land. Kickin' up sand. Sheriff Spice is on my tail,

cuz I'm in demand...One lonely Beastie I be, all by myself without no-bah-dee,

the sun is beatin' down on my baseball cap, the air is gettin' hot, the beer is gettin' flat.

I clearly remember Thing One's first attempt at defiance. He was about 2, and when I suggested we get dressed, he stood in the corner and timidly asked, "No?" Then he just quit hearing or seeing me for about a year and a half.

Thing Two's "Nos" sort of slam onto my head from above. Like the A.C.M.E. crate, and I am Wyle E. Coyote.

I Made this Necklace

It's the only thing covering his body most days

The Dog Days of Summer

Thing Two at the Park

Thing Two after an afternoon at the park, on top of the picnic table, on all fours like a dog, with her face buried in half a watermelon that a friend gave us

He Just Gets Better with Age

The setting is bedtime. The mood is silly. The kid is curious.

Thing One: I'm gonna take my diaper off when you leave.

Me: Well, then you're going to sleep in a pee pee bed, because I'm not going to clean you up.

Thing One: Why wouldn't you clean me up?

Me: Because if you take your diaper off you'll have to (I know, I should've known) live with the consequences.

Thing One: Where do the Consequences live?

I assured Thing One that I wouldn't make him go live somewhere else for such a relatively trivial offense, and then commenced a protracted and somewhat winding explanation of consequences, with lots of false starts and colorful examples.

Like this one: Well, like if you're running with your milk and I tell you to stop and you don't, your milk would spill. That would be a consequence.

Thing One: No it wouldn't, because I would just do this--(places flattened hand securely on top of imaginary cup of milk, effectively creating a vacuum seal).

Me: Well...hmmm...

Thing One: Oooh I know, like if people run and they don't hold their hair, it might fall out, that would be a consequence!!

Me: Yup. Or how 'bout this: If you don't brush your teeth every day, they'll turn brown and fuzzy and fall right out of your mouth forever.

Thing One: And that would be a bad thing?

I Think There's an Echo in Here

Thing One: I need some socks on, mom.
Thing Two: I meed some saxxonmommm.

Thing One: Can we watch "Yo Gabba Gabba"?
Thing Two: We wash yogabbagabbababbagabbababba mama.

Thing One: I hurt my penis, mom.
Thing Two: My peanuts hurt, mama.

Thing One (After being told not to bang his fork on the table because it makes mom nuts): I'm just a nutty banger.
Thing Two: Nut bang! Nut Bang! Nut Bang!

Thing One: I wanna watch "Meet the Robinsons."
Thing Two: I eat the bomb, mama.

Thing One: "Hi, Emily!"
Thing Two: "Hi, Enema!"