Top Ten Book Ideas

I read books. I won't deny it. I devour them. Parenting books. Psychology books. Books on personality development. Activity books, coloring books, potty learning books. Maybe you sense a theme here.

And like any other stay-at-home-mom scraping together her pennies and skimming from the grocery money to buy a pack of cigarettes (to be smoked after the children are in bed, because daytime is for pointing out how yucky it is when we see someone smoking), I am constantly developing ideas for "the book" I can write that will lift us out of our poverty years and open the eyes of all those other sorry saps about to embark on the parenthood climb.

Here are some of my most promising prospects:

1. What to Expect When You Play Airplane with an Infant.

2. What to Expect When you Just Want to Go Cry in a Corner, but your Almost-Two Year-Old Has Just Peed There

3. Your Child, Leak by Leak

4. The Boy With No Hands Because he Wouldn't Wear His Mittens (A full-color picture book)

5. How to Bribe, Cajole, Reverse-Psychologize, Behavior-Modify, and Silence Your Spouse into Conforming to your Clearly Irrational Expectations

6. Mama Take the Boogie? Lessons in Sharing

7. I'm Okay, You're a Poopbag

8. Thing One's Mama Has Bowling Balls for Breasts: How to Teach your Children About the Beauty of Breastfeeding

9. The Anti-Jello-Body Diet

10. How to Teach Values, Ethics, and Decent Behavior When you Have No Conscience